Dear Abby: Eager grandpa kept at arm’s length

Dear Abby Ten years ago I connected with Christi a daughter I fathered with a woman I was in a relationship with for a short time decades ago We split before Christi was born My ex-girlfriend didn t tell me about her until after she was born By that time she was married to a man Christi knew as her dad However she no longer acknowledges him as her father Christi and I developed our relationship and it would be impossible for me to love her more than I do When I retired five years ago she requested me to move closer to her and my -year-old granddaughter She commented she would appreciate help with things like driving her to school and exercises Since relocating though I have been given very little access to either of them Christi s family has poisoned my granddaughter against me Whenever I see them it s inevitably in a group of or more so we haven t developed any of the closeness I was hoping for This situation is making me miserable to the point of affecting my mental vitality I get the feeling that if I address this with Christi I ll be cast out of her life totally I don t think I could handle that Must I accept the limited role I have been given in their lives or liability our relationship by telling her how I feel Let Down in Florida Dear Let Down The time has come to revisit those conversations you had with Christi in which she requested you to move closer Tell her you agreed because you thought it would be an opportunity to spend time with her and get to know your granddaughter However the aftermath has been that you feel more like a free chauffeur function than a grandparent Ask why this has happened If the situation is fixable talk with a licensed psychotherapist about how to accomplish it However if there are no changes return to the district from which you came before you suffer further emotional damage Dear Abby Where and how do you draw the line between being kind and being a people pleaser Furthermore how do you know when you re doing something that you don t particularly want to do but don t mind doing either out of kindness or an inability to say no Sometimes I regret committing to something only when I m literally in the middle of it or just beforehand Other times I realize I ve taken on too plenty of responsibilities which makes me feel frustrated and stressed even though I still enjoy being helpful whenever accomplishable How do I recognize and avoid these unpleasant feelings and experiences Carrying the Weight Dear Carrying You are a good person Now start being as nice to yourself as you try to be to others Because keeping the promises you make to these people is causing you to feel stressed or resentful you must find the courage to say no Start practicing now before the milk of human kindness begins to curdle in your breast TO MY READERS The eight days of the Jewish holiday of Hanukkah begin at sundown Happy Hanukkah everyone and a joyous Festival of Lights to all of us LOVE ABBY Dear Abby is written by Abigail Van Buren also known as Jeanne Phillips and was founded by her mother Pauline Phillips Contact Dear Abby at www DearAbby com or P O Box Los Angeles CA