Asking Eric: Mom wants relationship with adult sons without being overbearing

Dear Eric I have two sons in their early s Just now my older son became engaged to a wonderful woman the same age who I love as a daughter While our relationships are good I have revealed that my desire for close family bonds has gotten stronger as I get older especially in the past several years when I ve been living several hours movement away from my blood family I really want to keep an current interchange going with all three At the same time I don t want to seem like Mama hanging over them How do I figure out the right frequency for casual texts shares etc What else can I do to stay part of their lives I want to be a warm and welcome presence not a drag Boundary-Loving Mom Dear Mom This is such a lovely concern and because it s rooted in love and good boundaries I suspect you have less to fear than you might think What s the majority essential to remember is that you are an equal part of the mother-son relationship and you can ask for what you need Yes your sons are continuing to expand and establish their lives but you re still a part of those lives And likely a very welcome one at that Good relationships thrive on clear open communication Sometimes that means calling texting or visiting when you want to and letting them adjust the cadence as need be Other times that means having a conversation about what level of contact feels good for everyone involved Maybe you ll find that they aren t big on texts but welcome phone calls or vice versa You re not a burden And it will be easier for your sons to keep showing you their love if you let them know how life is changing for you just as they re letting you know how life is changing for them Keep talking to them keep listening to what they re asking for and keep sharing what you need to feel loved and supported as well Dear Eric Sarah and I have been friends for years In that time our families have become close even going on holiday together several times Initially I was also a stay-at-home mom like she is but now I hold a job where I keep very long hours and am responsible for the welfare of more than a hundred very vulnerable people I have tried to keep in touch even as my life has become busier and it tends to fall to me to organize get-togethers In the last year I have experienced the loss of a parent Now I am supporting my remaining parent who is in rapidly declining healthcare as well as paying bills and arranging home care This requires frequent visits several hundred miles away My husband has also had essential soundness concerns and has required a great deal of patronage Sarah is aware of all of this Two months ago I received a text from Sarah berating me for my lack of attention She reported that if we could make time for each other when the kids were small and life was busier then she didn t understand why I wasn t making time for her now Eric my life has never been so busy I replied as kindly as I could and offered several suggestions for us to catch up including inviting her to my home for dinner I have had no response since My instinct is telling me that this isn t friendship and that I should quietly walk away and focus on the plenty of other worries and responsibilities that I have Sarah is very volatile she once cut me off for more than a year due to an imaginary slight However I really do care about Sarah and I am worried that she is genuinely hurting Am I in the wrong here Should I try again to reach out Or do I accept that more than years of friendship are now over Related Articles Asking Eric Wife s divorce shocks husband of years Asking Eric Husband s eating habits disgust wife Asking Eric Neighbor s new rooster disturbs retirees peace Asking Eric After moving in daughter s boyfriend declared himself king of the household Asking Eric Splitting the check creates rift between wife and son Overwhelmed Dear Overwhelmed Trust your instincts Sarah may indeed be hurting but it isn t because of anything you ve done Moreover by taking that hurt out on you she s created chaos when what you need is care She s not being a good friend right now and I m sorry for that because you need a friend What you re going through is incredibly tough and taxing These periods in our lives require the empathy and advancing assistance of those who love us Though it s unfair take her up-to-date silence as a gift At specific point when you have more bandwidth you may want to talk with her about how her behavior affected you And I hope she s able to make amends But right now focus your vigor on people who can show up for you and help you carry your load Send questions to R Eric Thomas at eric askingeric com or P O Box Philadelphia PA Follow him on Instagram and sign up for his weekly newsletter at rericthomas com