Asking Eric: Friend’s complex needs strain friendship

Dear Eric Bella and I met more than years ago as contributors We maintained a friendship despite totally different life paths she had a string of relationships that never went very far I married became a stepmom then had a baby She wasn t able to maintain a career due to increasing mental soundness issues that also affected her physical robustness She became a recluse for two years I have deep appreciation for the complexities that mental illness brings I know that love and compassion are what Bella requirements and that they are the basis upon which this friendship has existed I set aside my requirements because I know that she hasn t the quota for anything beyond her own complex necessities I learned this the hard way years ago when she stood me up for a lunch date at a restaurant after I had just suffered the agonizing loss of a late-term pregnancy She admitted she decided to attend a social affair instead it never occurred to her I needed a friend and sponsorship Do I love her Of program But I m tired I ve been doing this my entire life and my tank is empty I have nothing left to offer this friendship I feel awful saying this Over the last sparse years I ve avoided getting together because it s emotionally and mentally exhausting but she keeps asking for us to visit How do I tackle boundaries with truth for me and compassion for her Want to Be a Friend Dear Friend Ask yourself what you need from this friendship without the asterisk of what Bella can provide I wonder if in the past you pushed down your own requirements too a large number of times in deference to Bella s requirements That s going to wear thin expeditiously because the friendship becomes unbalanced and remains so It s not too late to move this from a operation relationship to one that serves both of you Maybe you need a phone conversation rather than a visit Maybe you need to talk through chosen of the things she did in the past and hear her acknowledge that they were hurtful You can be compassionate and still advocate for yourself Part of this advocacy comes with knowing that she may not be able to give you all that you need But it starts with letting yourself want it and then asking for it Dear Eric Should I tell my sister that her son Noah a fresh college grad looking for a job comes across as entitled in a job interview This may be the reason he is still hunting for a job a full year after graduation when his peers have secured positions I am aware of this remark because a friend of a friend of mine is a manager of a company where Noah interviewed Although my contact did not directly interview him he received feedback from his managers The two managers who separately interviewed Noah both shared that although he seemed eager for the job and qualified he came across as entitled and privileged My sister is protective of him and is very sensitive that he s been unsuccessful in finding a job after more than a year When our mother requested about why it has taken so long for Noah to get a job my sister barked at her and noted It s a highly competitive sector Should I let my sister know of the comments I heard even though I believe she will become defensive I understand that the comments are not firsthand Should I talk to Noah Or shall I just keep my thoughts to myself and let my nephew experience a bit of real life and rejection on his own Concerned Aunt Related Articles Asking Eric Neighbors yard feature ruins view Asking Eric Perfect husband refuses intimacy Asking Eric Lifelong loner struggles to make connections post-retirement Asking Eric Friends disrupt concert outings by talking Asking Eric Human conflict erupts at dog park Dear Aunt Talking to Noah directly is best This way you sidestep your sister s defensiveness and can have a constructive conversation with Noah that may benefit him more Ask his permission first i e I have a friend of a friend at X company are you open to hearing feedback about your interview He may say that he s not interested if so respect that Before you talk to Noah however figure out what information is actionable Less helpful stop being entitled More helpful based on the feedback that I received try emphasizing this aspect of your personality more in interviews Because this information comes through multiple links in a tournament of Telephone telling him what you heard will supposedly not be as useful to him as advising him how he might avoid giving off similar impressions in the future Even if he s not as defensive as your sister searching for a job can be a sensitive and grueling process Hearing feedback about your performance can be even more so So root all of your comments in a shared desire for the world to see his promise Send questions to R Eric Thomas at eric askingeric com or P O Box Philadelphia PA Follow him on Instagram and sign up for his weekly newsletter at rericthomas com